What Is Confidence?
How confident are you in knowing what confidence really is?
Confidence, as defined by Psychology Today is:
"The belief in yourself, the conviction that you have the ability to meet life's challenges and to succeed - and the willingness to act accordingly. Being confident requires a realistic sense of your capabilities and feeling secure in that knowledge"
Were you born this way...
How does confidence show up in different people? Is it something that you have or you don't or can it be developed or acquired? Confidence is a state of mind. Confidence isn't something that is all-encompassing and that you either have or don't.
If we break down the Psychology Today definition:
1. You have the conviction that you have the ability to succeed
What drives this conviction? Well, an obvious answer is that you have the relevant experience or expertise to achieve the outcome you want. You have enough evidence from your past to be reassured that if you attempted this task/project that you will succeed.
It's the runner that is confident they can run a marathon because they have done it before, it's the basketball player that takes on the game-winning shot because they have made it previously.
Having factual evidence of success to fall back is important, but this effect can be achieved to a lesser extent through motivation or encouragement from others. Whilst you don't have concrete evidence that you have done it before, the support from others can make you believe that you can do it and drives you to take the necessary action. You are confident because you have "social" evidence.
2. You have the conviction that you have the ability to meet life's challenges
What about when we start something new and don't necessarily have the evidence or experience? Confidence is still reserved for those that take action. These people believe that they will still achieve a positive result even if the path to the achievement isn't clear at first. They are secure in the knowledge that they have the mental capacity or resourcefulness to figure out the right strategy.
One common factor in both the above is that confidence is linked to progress. This is an interesting concept as it could be said that if you are not growing or taking action at all then it becomes harder for you to be confident in your abilities or knowledge.
Sure you could dine out on the "glory days when I did x, y and z" but that will work for so long. The narrative will eventually change from what you've done to what are you doing. For those who value personal development, there is a good chance that confidence is linked with the feeling of progress.
This brings us on to another point around whether confidence is relative. I believe it is. Confidence is highly dependant on the reference point you select should you wish to compare your abilities or knowledge to something, someone or some time.
For example, if you select a reference point in your own past, chances are you will feel confident in your growth and what you have achieved in that timescale. Alternatively, if you chose someone else as your reference point, your level of confidence will be determined by how you measure up against them.
If the other person has achieved more, has more followers or has a better lifestyle than you then the confidence in your own abilities drops provided you don't change your mindset.
This value-seeking exercise, comparing yourself to others, is not a good source of stable or long-term confidence as the reference point is constantly changing and therefore so does your confidence.
3. Confidence comes from self-aware-ness, not self-ish-ness...
Confidence comes from a realistic expectation of the outcome you can achieve. If you are over-confident it means you have an over-inflated expectation of what you think the result will be and there will be always a risk that you set yourself up for a fall.
On the other hand, if you are underconfident you are likely to down-play your ability or capability to achieve the result. This leaves you surprised or looking for the negatives when you achieve a realistic result that is better than what you were expecting.
As a result, confident people are likely to be self-aware of their own strengths and weaknesses and applies this to their advantage. People who are labelled cocky or narcissistic display over-confidence due to their insecurities. Masking their insecurity by displaying the opposite behaviour becomes their defence mechanism.
4. It takes confidence to admit you are not feeling confident...
It is also important to note that it is okay not to feel confident all the time. We live in a society that constantly lauds confidence and promotes it as an attribute of value. This creates external pressure to display confidence in social situations or in the work environment.
Don't get me wrong, if you feel authentically confident then be confident. However, if you don't feel confident at that moment, then it is far better to be honest about how you feel, that is confidence in itself.
For those of you who say "what about faking it, until you make it?" True, there is some evidence to suggest that faking confidence can lead you to become more confident, but this really depends on the outcome you are looking to generate and your mindset.
If the goal is to make other people think you are confident, then faking it is a strategy that is likely to work. That being said you also need to have a mindset where you are comfortable in displaying false confidence when internally you don't feel that way.
If that is not you then faking it is a risky strategy because it could generate negative thoughts such as "what if I get found out?". Not to mention it can be pretty draining to keep up this fake impression.
Many don't realise that the confidence they seek comes from being comfortable in their own skin and feeling free to express who they truly are.
Exercise:
Here are a few simple tips to help boost confidence:
- Start by practicing the small things you can control such as your appearance, smiling, listening to motivational music or speeches, eating a balanced diet, etc.
- Praise yourself for your accomplishments, no matter how large or small.
- Break down complex tasks into simpler steps. This will help you build momentum and confidence by knowing you are making progress.
- Take a moment to reflect on what you've accomplished to get you to this moment.
- Challenge yourself to step outside your comfort zone. This could be talking to someone new at an event, practicing your speech with a friend, trying something new. Start small and scale.
- Write down your reasons for not being confident (in a particular context) and critique them. Under scrutiny do they still hold weight or is there something you can do to address your concerns?
- Give genuine praise to others. This sounds slightly counter-intuitive, but reciprocity is powerful. The more you give positive feedback to others, the more you are likely to receive it in return.
